Legion of Superheroes - Season 3 - Daily Planet 20 August 2986

From our GM

Gossip

LOVE LETTERS IN THE SAND

by Lynda Mzjwsk

Dear readers, listeners, and feelers—I’ve entitled this column “Love Letters in the Sand” because of an experience I once had, one that all sentients capable of expressing love have probably had. Many years ago, when my tentacles were ripe and I still had all my suckers, I was madly in love and so wrote a tender ode to my beloved in the sand of the beach near where we lived. I swore that my love for him would last as long as that letter. You can guess what happened next. An SP drone came along, cited me for vandalism, and lasered away my letter. Meanwhile, my beloved was eaten by a Venusian blood whale and eventually excreted into the waters where we once frolicked.

And so I write today of how the love letters in the sand that you think are so permanent can so easily disappear as the suckers of love’s tentacles wither and fall off.

Let’s first turn to the Event of the Season—the double Legion wedding on Winath. So much joy, now turning sour. A rumor has reached me from inside Legion Academy that newlyweds Nightwind and Dynasty have already called it quits and plan to have the marriage annulled. Such a tragedy! Truly they were a beautiful couple, but their love letter was not to last. My source tells me that Dynasty told Nightwind that she no longer loves her and despite Nightwind’s desperate pleas has no intention of remaining in the marriage. Could this have anything to do with the return of longtime student Laurel Kent, who has been on Daxam for the past few months, recuperating from her injuries in the Universo Uprising? That scantily clad beauty could turn any sentient’s head or eyestalks, and rumor has it that Dynasty has longed for her since they first met. But Laurel Kent is reportedly dating Dynasty’s teammate Kid Skid. Oh what a tangled web of seaweed! I see many broken cardiovascular valves in this scenario.

Legion Academy temptress Laurel Kent

Things are no better for the other Legion couple married on Winath—Ultra Boy and Phantom Girl. Despite their longtime relationship, Ultra Boy was reportedly reluctant to commit to marriage, though he was all smiles at the ceremony, at least until the debacle with his best male sentient. Contrary to all expectation that he would choose Mon-El, his closest Legion friend, to serve, he instead chose Academy student Power Boy. But Power Boy fled in the middle of the ceremony, creating a scene that left Ultra Boy confused and Phantom Girl fuming. Why did Power Boy react so? Supposedly because he knew what I’m about to tell you now—that Ultra Boy was secretly in love with Mon-El’s true love, Shadow Lass! Power Boy couldn’t bear to go through with the duplicity of the ceremony and so left. Although the ceremony continued, reports from within Legion HQ have indicated that Ultra Boy and Phantom Girl have had many loud fights since then. Meanwhile, Mon-El has taken Shadow Lass far away from Earth and Ultra Boy. Coincidence? Not likely! More cardiovascular valves on the crushing block!

Legion hunk Ultra Boy preparing for his wedding

And finally one more romance that had flown under the holoradar but could be in trouble—dreamy Earth President Kel Wynters has reportedly wooed new Legionnaire Quantum Cat away from her teammate Invisible Kid. The latter two had attended Legion Academy Prom together this past spring and seemed to be tentatively starting a relationship. But then President Wynters swooped in to make Quantum Cat his new Minister of Science and sparks reportedly flew, leaving Invisible Kid on the outs. But now we hear that Quantum Cat stood President Wynters up after he reserved all of Metropolis’ fanciest restaurant just for the two of them. Could it be because she still has feelings for teammate Quatro Lad, who himself is engaged to Margi Tinelli but has been putting off the wedding for months? According to my source, Quantum Cat and Quatro Lad are still common-law spouses, which has complicated matters with both of their prospective partners.

Earth President Kel Wynters preparing to address the UP Council

All of these love letters in the sand, dear audience, are being metaphorically lasered out of existence! My remaining suckers pucker at the thought of all this unhappiness. Stay tuned for updates on these doomed romances!

Interplanetary

NEW LEGIONNAIRES SAVE BRAALIAN SOLAR CRUISE SHIP

by Jaymz Olsen

A quartet of the newest heroes to join the legendary Legion of Super-Heroes successfully rescued a crippled Braalian solar cruise ship and all sentients on board earlier today. The Faraday, in space for a close-up view of the solar flare storm raging on Braal’s sun, was disabled by one of the flares that was stronger than their shielding allowed for. The electromagnetic energies of the storm likewise temporarily shorted out the Braalian passengers’ natural magnetic powers, leaving them helpless as the ship was pulled in by the star’s gravity field. Fortunately, Dynasty, Kid Skid, Quatro Lad, and Quantum Cat were on hand to provide assistance.

Arriving in a green energy bubble of Dynasty’s making, the four Legionnaires quickly went to work. Quantum Cat, known for her amazing knowledge of Science, endeavored to repair the ship’s engines, while Dynasty hovered in space and deflected incoming solar flares. Meanwhile, Kid Skid moved among the passengers, helping the wounded and reassuring frightened children. Once the Faraday’s gravonomic engines were once again functional, Quatro Lad took the helm and safely piloted the ship back to Braal. Upon arriving on the planet’s surface, the four Legionnaires signed holoautographs and posed for holopics with the relieved passengers.

On board was former Magno Champion Tull Vrajj, who praised the valor of the four Legionnaires. “They were wonderific! I thought we were doomed for sure, but then the Legionnaires arrived. As a professional athlete, I wanted to help so I followed Quantum Cat to the engine room and handed her a magnometric wrench when she needed one. I even got a kiss from her as thanks! She’s now my favorite Legionnaire. Sorry, Pol!” he said, referencing Braalian native Pol Krinn, otherwise known as Magnetic Kid.

Former Magnoball champion Tull Vrajj

Another passenger, Sess Prakk, swooned while recounting her interaction with Quatro Lad, “On his way to the pilot’s chamber, he winked and pointed a finger at me. I nearly died! He’s so handsome!” Her boyfriend, Lam Thonn, however, wasn’t as complimentary, “That four-armed brute pushed me aside so he could flirt with my girlfriend. I think he bruised my shin. I should sue!”

Thanks to the timely intervention of the Legionnaires, the 220 passengers and 17 crew members were all returned to Braal uninjured, Lam Thonn’s bruised shin notwithstanding. The Faraday will undergo a complete evaluation before flying again.

 

Personalities

TRIBUTE TO PFLX RAMBO PLANNED ON VENTURA

by Vari Von Varx

As we approach the three-month anniversary of the tragic murder of Venturan casino owner Pflx Rambo, a star-studded tribute to the visionary businessman is being planned on Ventura. Rambo, who is still dead, was killed under mysterious circumstances, and his murderer was never captured. Speculation has ranged from the assassin being one of his 33 ex-wives to a rival casino owner with a grudge.

Pflx Rambo, still dead

Mona Climaxia, Rambo’s longtime “personal secretary” and new manager of the Golden Stardust Casino since his death, has a different theory—“I think he was killed because he was, you know, too good for this universe. The cosmos itself wanted him dead because it was, you know, jealous of his magnitudiousness. Is that a word?”

Mona Climaxia, still very much alive

Rumors have swirled for years about Pflx Rambo’s reported connection to organized crime on Ventura. Numerous United Planets Ethics Commission probes, however, never turned up any evidence of this, though it should be noted that each investigating commissioner retired soon after winning big at the Golden Stardust Casino.

The planned tribute to Pflx Rambo will last for the entire month of September, a non-stop party keeping with Ventura’s reputation as the galaxy’s premier entertainment planet. Scheduled guests include actors Craw Chaceford and Laylor Tautner, who will reenact their love scene from the award-winning holopic Dark Love live on stage; Tull Vrajj, former Braalian Magno Champion, who will hold a magnoball exhibition; the Ventura Sisters Donna and Etta, who will lecture on intergalactic macroeconomics while juggling 23 Rimborian megasharks; and Ghoran ambassadors Ochy Kare and Massi Knowl, who will recite arboreal haikus, reported to be Pflx Rambo’s favorite genre of poetry. Further guests will be announced as they’re confirmed.