Legion of Superheroes - Season 3 - And then this message from Earth arrives.

To: LSH-ALL, LSHACADEMY-ALL
From: TPK@TPKattorney-in-law.org.up
Subject: Hearing

Qar, Qatrina:

Since neither of you showed up at the appointed time, I had to improvise. I’m attaching a holovid of the hearing. We almost had it, but McCauley’s lawyer is GOOD! Time for Plan L, I guess. I’m not sure where to find all the bananas though. But I’ll work it out. That’s what you’re paying me for. Ding.

TPK

PS: I don’t have your individual hyperspace e-addresses, so I just sent this to the LSH and Academy lists, figuring you’d get it that way.

PPS: I’m going to have to bill you for all the props. But don’t worry, I got most of them off space-bay. The doll was a little pricey though since it’s a collector’s item. If you have any yourself, now might be the time to unload them.

PPPS: A holovid producer saw this and now is giving me my own show! Score!

Ding.

[attached: Holovid.pe file 298tb]

For primitive computing devices incapable of running 3-D holovid files with 2098tb memory, a transcript is provided below.

In a small courtroom, two tables face the judge’s bench. Behind one table is a sour-faced human male with a black briefcase. Behind the other is Tenzil P. Kem, his feet up on the table as he tosses lugnuts into the air and catches them in his mouth.

Judge: Mr. Kem, your witness is late. If she doesn’t appear, I’ll have to render my decision without hearing from her.

TPK: Don’t worry, your honorship. I’m sure she’ll be here any moment. As a Legionnaire, she sometimes get caught up in various galaxy-saving efforts.

McCauley’s lawyer [hereafter called Squid-Face, but not because he has a literal squid-face (not that there’s anything wrong with that)]: Your honor, I still maintain that this hearing isn’t even necessary. My client is . . .

Squid-Face is interrupted by the door to the courtroom opening. He, TPK, and the half-dozen observers turn to look. The Legionnaire Dawnstar struggles to get her wings through the doorway. Well, not really Dawnstar. More like a bad 1970s-Cher impersonator in an askew wig with fake wings only halfway connected to her back. Actually not even a “her” based on the facial stubble and prominent Adam’s apple.

“Dawnstar”: I’m ooof I’m here, your honor.

TPK: [shaking head and hissing loudly] Wrong Indian. The dot kind, not the feather kind.

“Dawnstar”: [looking surprised] Oh, sorry. Er, wrong courtroom.

“She” turns to leave, but steps on one of her wings, pulling it off her back and throwing her off-balance enough that she falls face-first out the door. She crawls the rest of the way out, dragging the wing, and the door closes again.

Squid-Face: [looking pained] Your honor, it’s already obvious given my opponent’s . . .reputation . . . that this whole hearing will be a farce. I request that you just render your decision without any further delay.

Judge: Mr. Kem?

TPK: Your honorific, my witness will be here any moment. In fact, I’m positive she’s in the building already. Probably just freshening up. You know, putting on her best face for the court.

Another few minutes pass, with TPK popping lugnuts, Squid-Face shuffling through papers in his briefcase, and the judge happily humming to himself. Finally the door opens again, and Katrina Gupta enters. Well, “Katrina Gupta.” It appears to be the same person that was in the Dawnstar costume, with the same bad wig, darker skin, and a decorative bedsheet wrapped around “her” in a style akin to a frat-boy’s toga. Upon closer inspection, the bedsheet is emblazoned with characters from Legion Academy Babies. TPK coughs and points to his own forehead. “Katrina” puts a finger to her forehead. When she pulls it away, there’s a red dot over the bridge of her nose. She walks, with some difficulty because of the trailing bedsheet, to the front of the courtroom and takes a seat next to the judge’s bench. Squid-Face looks on in disbelief.

Katrina: [in faux Indian accent] Oh, I am sorry I am late. There was, um, a traffic jam above the Ganges that I got caught in.

Judge: Bailiff, will you swear in the witness?

Bailiff: [approaching Katrina with an Omnicom.] Do you swear to tell . . .

Katrina: [waving the bailiff off] I will not swear by one of your soulless modern creations. I will only swear to one of the sacred deities of my people.

TPK: [from under the table he pulls out a four-armed purple figure with an elephant’s trunk stuck to the middle of its face. It appears to be a Legion Academy Babies Foursie doll, modified. He brings it to Katrina and holds it up before her.] I happen to have one here.

Katrina: [places her hands together in front of her chest and bows to the figure] I swear to holy Ganeshiva that I will tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. May Ganeshiva strike me down on the spot if I am lying. [She nervously looks upward and sighs when nothing happens.]

Squid-Face: Your honor, this is ridiculous. This isn’t even a real woman!

Katrina: [angrily, her faux accent becoming even stronger] How dare you! I am currently suffering from Grandin Gender-Reversal Disease and will thank you not to call attention to my affliction. I am still all woman!

TPK: [sticks tongue out at Squid-Face before turning back to Katrina] And may I say that you are bearing up wonderfully. That is a lovely dress.

Katrina: Sari.

TPK: [louder] I said, that’s a lovely dress!

Katrina: Sari.

TPK: THAT’S A LOVELY DRESS!

Katrina: [confused] Um, thank you.

TPK: Please confirm, is your name Dr. Katrina Gupta?

Katrina: That is the name I use when I perform SCIENCE. But in my heart, I think of myself as Mrs. Qar Rud.

TPK: Well then, Mrs. Rud, this hearing is to establish your relationship with Mr. Qar Rud, better known as Quatro Lad.

Katrina: He is my one true love.

TPK: But we need to establish your legal relationship to him. Are you his wife?

Katrina: That is how I think of myself.

TPK: [smugly, to Squid-Face] Your witness.

Squid-Face: [steps up to the witness stand] Dr. Gupta, or whoever you really are, have you and Mr. Rud ever had a marriage ceremony?

Katrina: Only between the sheets.

Squid-Face: [looking pained] But no actual, legal, ceremony. With witnesses and vows and a presiding judge.

Katrina: Not as such, but that’s just a technicality. I still think of myself as his wife.

Squid-Face: It’s not a “technicality,” it’s the law. I’m done here. [he returns to his table.]

TPK: Ah, but Mrs. Rud, you have property holdings on Ventura, do you not?

Katrina: I do, inherited from my late husband, my last one, dear Vid Gupta.

TPK: And you have a child together with Mr. Rud, do you not?

Katrina: We do. Dear little . . . um . . . dear little . . . baby.

TPK: And according to Venturan law code, section 453, paragraph 2048, subsection J9.5, any individual who is a property owner on Ventura and has a child with another individual, they shall be considered common-law spouses with all rights and responsibilities to each other. [to the judge] You can look that up. So we see that Dr. Gupta is entitled to call herself, and IS in fact of law, Mrs. Qar Rud.

Squid-Face: [rising] And where is this baby of yours, Dr. Gupta? Surely you didn’t leave him unattended somewhere?

Katrina: [indignant, her faux accent again strengthening] Of course not! I would never leave my darling . . . baby alone! He is . . . is . . . [sees TPK gesturing at the figure of Ganeshiva he’s still holding] . . . with his Uncle Tenzil!

TPK holds up the Foursie doll, hastily pulling off the elephant trunk and hiding it behind his back. He tosses the doll to Katrina, who barely catches it by one arm, slamming it into the side of the judge’s bench before nestling it in her lap.

Katrina: Baby loves spending time with Uncle Tenzil. Oh, I think the poor dear is hungry. [She pulls down an edge of the bedsheet, exposing a hairy nipple which she mashes the doll’s face against.]

Squid-Face: [pinching the bridge of his nose between two fingers] Oh, for . . . “Dr. Gupta,” what is the baby’s name?

Katrina: His name? Um, his name. His name. His name is . . . [looks at TPK, who is holding up four fingers] . . . is . . . Foursie! [TPK shakes his head.]

Squid-Face: I believe you’re confusing your baby with the character in Legion Academy Babies based on Quatro Lad. You know, the one all over the bedsheet you’re wearing.

Katrina: Sari.

TPK: [loudly] He said Foursie is on your dress. [in normal voice] And of course what Mrs. Rud means to say is that “Foursie” is the baby’s nickname, based on her husband’s name on that holocartoon. It’s only natural that “Foursie” be used as a shortening of the baby’s name, Phora.

Katrina: Yes, that is exactly what I meant.

Squid-Face: Your honor, please, can we put an end to this farce?

Katrina: [angrily] Farce? My love for Qar and my baby Foursie-Phora is no farce. Let me tell you how much I love my husband.

Katrina stands, and TPK hits a button on his Omnicom. Hindi music starts playing, and Katrina whirls around and begins to sing and dance. The words are in a foreign language, but there are Interlac subtitles as she sings about how much she loves Qar.

The observers in the courtroom fall in behind her, matching her dance moves perfectly.

Despite the unheard objections of Squid-Face, the judge himself gets up and joins the dance. Rays of color, seemingly coming from Katrina’s hands, spray out everywhere as the crowd swirls and undulates.

Five minutes later, the dance continues as Katrina sings about how happy and loved Qar makes her feel, and how the gods smile upon their union. TPK sways on the sidelines, holding baby Phora and twirling him around. In the background, a grumpy Squid-Face appears to be checking his messages on his Omnicom.

Ten minutes later, the dance continues, with more spectators from outside coming in so that dozens of people are dancing. Squid-Face is eating a Winathian chicken wrap from his briefcase.

Five minutes after that, the dance finally ends. Squid-Face looks up from his Omnicom in surprise as the music ends and everyone returns to their seats. Katrina turns to him.

Katrina: [in thick accent] And THAT is how much I love him.

Squid-Face: [dryly] So noted. Judge Whopnir, don’t you think we should speak to Mr. Rud himself now?

TPK: Ah, yes. He’s waiting right outside. Dr. Gupta, would you be so kind as to fetch your husband.

Katrina: Oh yes. I will do that right now.

Katrina hastens from the room, tripping over her bedsheet. Minutes pass as Squid-Face drums his fingers on the desk. Finally the door to the room opens again, and a four-armed man enters. He has the same dark skin coloration as Katrina, and two of his arms flop limply. Squid-Face rolls his eyes.

TPK: [hissing] Purple.

“Quatro Lad” opens his eyes wide and looks at himself. Suddenly, his entire body turns purple. The Ghoran observer in the courtroom begins laughing hysterically. Quatro Lad struts to the front of the courtroom, his lower arms swinging about like tubing with gloves on the ends. He sits at the witness stand, and the bailiff approaches with an Omnicom. He raises one hand and then uses his other good hand to raise the lower hand.

Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, according to the Constitution and governing documents of the United Planets.

“Quatro”: [in heavy Rimborian accent] That ain’t the kinda swearin’ I’m used to, but sure, why the sprock not?

TPK: Would you state your name for the court?

Quatro: Some people call me a space cowboy. Some call me a gangster of love. Some people call me Qar Rud, ‘cause I speak of the Pompatus of Love. Hey, why does Katrina get to do alla the singin’, you know?

TPK: Mr. Rud, can you describe your relationship with Dr. Katrina Gupta?

Quatro: Not in public, I can’t. [elbows judge] You know what I mean?

TPK: You enjoy an . . . intimate relationship with her then.

Quatro: Yeah, I enjoy the hell of out of it. So does she. I mean, look at me. [points at his chest with two thumbs] How could she not?

TPK: And she is the mother of your child?

Quatro: Yeah, she’s my baby mama. Hey, where’s the little tyke at? Come see daddy, little . . . Phoursia.

TPK tosses the baby to Quatro, who misses it. It crashes into the wall behind him, but Quatro just reaches around and picks it up by one arm.

Quatro: Ah, the little’s guy’s Quatro tough, just like his old man. [He tosses the doll up and catches it a few times, but it suddenly begins to emit a greenish-brown sludge from its bottom.] [in normal voice] Oh, grife. You got the kind with Real Pooping Action.

Quatro hastily tosses the doll toward Squid-Face, who instinctively catches it and within seconds is covered in the toxic brown sludge. Squid-Face throws it toward TPK, who just lets it drop to the floor before reaching down and scooping up a fingerful of the sludge.

TPK: [tasting the sludge] Mmm, Venusian peanut butter and anti-gravitic brake fluid. Interesting combination. [to Squid-Face] Your witness.

Squid-Face: [looking pained as he tries to wipe the sludge off his face and expensive suit] Mr. Rud, if you are in a common-law marriage with Dr. Katrina Gupta, then why did you enter into a relationship with my client’s niece, Miss Margi Tinelli?

Quatro: [in Rimborian accent again] Hey, there’s more than enough of me to share. If you know what I mean. [elbows judge]

Squid-Face: And Dr. Gupta doesn’t mind?

Quatro: Nah, as much of a tigress as she is in the sack, she knows she’s not enough to satisfy me. Like they say, four arms, no waiting. [With his two real hands he makes squeezing motions while he hops up and down in his seat to make the two lower hands flop about.]

Squid-Face: Such an understanding wife. [to judge] Your honor, I would like to re-question Dr. Gupta.

Judge: I’ll allow it.

Quatro: [awkwardly] Oh, um, ok. I’ll go get her. [He stands.]

Squid-Face: [with first real smile]: Actually, I’d like to question the two of you together.

Quatro: [looking at TPK in panic] Um, okay, then maybe Tenzil, I mean Mr. Kem, can go get her. I think she said she was going to the restroom. The um men’s restroom, you know, because of her, you know, disease. She um she usually uses the second stall. On the right. Um, her habit, you know.

Squid-Face smirks as TPK runs out. Minutes pass. Quatro shifts uncomfortably in his seat. The judge hums Katrina’s big musical number. Finally, the courtroom door opens, and “Katrina” steps in. The wig is askew, and the bedsheet is inelegantly wrapped. In the doorway, she points urgently at her pinkish-white skin until Quatro notices, and suddenly her skin takes on a darker hue. She walks to the front of the courtroom, directing a wink at Quatro who is covering his face with one of his functional hands.

Katrina: [in a worse Indian accent than before] Brilliant but humble attorney-in-law Kem had to use the facilities too. He might be a while.

Squid-Face: That’s not a problem. I’m sure he’s with us in spirit. Now, “Dr. Gupta,” would you tell us how you feel about Mr. Rud’s relationship with Miss Tinelli?

Katrina: Oh, it is quite understandable. I try to be a good wife to him but there is only so much I can do. A man as manly as him has needs.

Squid-Face: Mr. Rud, is this true? Is Dr. Gupta truly unable to meet your needs?

Quatro: Well, I know she tries, you know. But she just spends so much time doin’ SCIENCE. It’s hard, you know. If she just spent time less time doin’ LAW, I mean SCIENCE, maybe I wouldn’t feel so ignored.

Katrina: I’ll remind you that me doing SCIENCE is what puts food on the table.

Quatro: You call that food? You wonder why I’m so skinny, it’s because there’s no decent food . . . REAL food . . . in the house. And I’ll remind you that I work too.

Katrina: You call that work? Going into someone’s house and just changing the color of everything?

Quatro: [in normal voice] It’s called interior decorating, and just because you have no taste . . .

Katrina: [also in normal voice] Taste? You call making the Minister of Food Export’s bathroom puce and orange plaid tasteful?

Quatro: Plaid is in.

Katrina: Plaid hasn’t been in for two hundred years! It’s a good thing I’m such a good attorney-in-law, I mean scientist, or the minister would have sued you.

Quatro: “Minister of Food Exports”? Hah, on any planet other than Bismoll, he’d be called a garbage collector! And you’re not even an attorney!

Katrina: I’m an attorney-IN-LAW.

Quatro: Oh, because your brother’s wife is an actual attorney? When was the last time you had a client that you were able to collect credits from?

Katrina: Once this case ends, we’ll be rolling in it.

Quatro: Rolling in something, you mean. I can’t believe I even let you talk me into this. I sometimes wish we had never gotten married at that ancient-monster-themed chapel on Ventura. Just because you wanted a skyscraper wedding cake. That I couldn’t even eat!

Katrina: [accepts Omnicom from Squid-Face and looks down at the screen] Well, that’s easily enough solved. According to Venturan law code, section 459, paragraph 825, subsection K5.3, all I have to do is say “I divorce you,” and it’s over. So I divorce you.

Quatro: [gasps and starts to cry] I can’t believe you did that.

Squid-Face: [triumphantly] Given what we have just witnessed, your honor, it seems as if Dr. Gupta and Mr. Rud are no longer wed by the laws of Ventura. Which means there is no bigamy objection to Mr. Rud marrying Miss Tinelli. I request that you so rule.

Judge: So ruled. With the heartbreaking yet legal separation of Mr. Rud from Dr. Gupta, there is no impediment to his wedding with Miss Tinelli. This hearing is over.

Katrina: Well, sprock.

The holovid ends.