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CELEBRATION TURNS AWKWARD THANKS TO A STARTLING TRANSFORMATION
by Tawn Ortega
A family’s triple celebration turned strange today as an unexpected transformation disrupted what was supposed to be a time of joy. Earth President Kel Wynters and Alessandra Maria-Luisa Alvarez Blanca Sanchez de Carrillo Wayne Wynters were hosting a party at stately Wayne Manor in honor of their first wedding anniversary, while also celebrating the former Mrs. Wayne’s daughter Diana’s quinceañera. The party was additionally a Klordny celebration, honoring the holiday’s foundational principles of Freedom, Friendship, and Frunt. But the unexpected happened when one of the couple’s guests, Legionnaire Sun Boy, who was present as Diana Wayne’s date, suddenly transformed into a Quatro and disrupted the celebration.
The quinceañera is an ancient Earth tradition among some cultures, notably Latin American and Inuit peoples, to commemorate a female sentient’s passage into adulthood on their 15th birthday. In the absence of her father Thomas Wayne, who was brutally murdered two years ago, Miss Wayne, the youngest of three children, was enjoying the traditional father-daughter dance with her mother’s new husband, President Wynters, when the party was disrupted.
Dirk Morgna, better known as Sun Boy of the Legion of Super-Heroes, was present under special dispensation of EarthGov to attend the celebration since Legionnaires are currently barred from Earth. During his, reportedly, fifth visit to the Silverale-spiked punchbowl, he was loudly proclaiming the virtues of “barely legal” females, according to other guests, when he began spasming and convulsing. His Caucasian skin color darkened to purple as two extra arms burst from his sides, shredding the faux-velvet tuxedo he was wearing. With one pair of arms he grabbed the punchbowl and quickly downed the remaining liquid, while the other pair of arms snatched Miss Velma Dinkley, the daughter of Earth Minister Arnaq Dinkley and one of Diana Wayne’s closest friends. The newly Quatro-fied Sun Boy hoisted himself and Miss Dinkley into the trees and quickly brachiated them out of sight.
Dirk Morgna aka Sun Boy is the son of noted nuclear scientist Derek Morgna. The younger
Morgna gained the power to radiate intense light and heat after an accident with an atomic
reactor. He is one of the longest-serving Legionnaires and notorious for his womanizing behavior.
Lately he has been spending free time away from his duties with the Legion as a model. Legion
Leader Sensor Girl, when reached, had no comment about Sun Boy’s latest escapade.
A search of the Wayne Estate by the Science Police officers who were providing security at the party finally discovered the pair in the manor’s attic. The transformed Sun Boy was asleep, and the disheveled Miss Dinkley refused to comment on what exactly had happened in the hour they had been missing. Straightening her dress and fixing her hair, she was heard by one observer to quietly say, “Once you go foursie, you always want moresie.” The slumbering Legionnaire was taken into custody by the Science Police, and Chief Kimball Zendak, who had been a guest at the festivities, indicated that a full investigation would be held into both Sun Boy’s behavior and his startling transformation.
Other guests at the celebration included members of EarthGov’s cabinet, including the President’s Chief Advisor Vid Gupta, who said that such disgraceful behavior was a big factor in why the Legion of Super-Heroes is no longer allowed on Earth. Another celebrant was noted holovid producer Leww Kohan, who announced that the party would be incorporated into the latest season of his hit holoprogram, Whine-asty and Her Amazing Friends, which includes as one of its characters Li’l Hunty, based on Wayne scion Ian, who, however, was not present at the party.
Chief Advisor to the President Vid Gupta said he strenuously objected to the dispensation that allowed Legionnaire
Sun Boy to be present on Earth for the Wynters-Wayne triple celebration. “This disgraceful behavior, exhibited time
and time again by the so-called heroes of the Legion, is a threat to the well-being of Terrans and the planet’s
standing among the United Planets. You can rest assured I will be doing whatever I can to keep something like this
from happening again.”
President Wynters finished his dance with his stepdaughter Diana, followed by one with his wife Alessandra. In a statement to the press after the party concluded, the President refused to answer questions about either the events of the afternoon or his controversial comments about the Khunds at last week’s EarthWar Memorial Commemoration. Instead, he merely said that he was happy to be celebrating his anniversary with his lovely wife and was grateful for her loving family that have accepted him with open arms, a family with includes daughters Diana and Yoana as well as the absent Ian.
Following the disruption, Earth PreEarth President Kel Wynters (right) and CEO of Wayne Enterprises Alessandra Wayne (left) were married last year. This is the second marriage for both. Both have long maintained silence about the deaths of their respective spouses.
The President’s first wife and husband were killed in EarthWar, while Wayne’s husband was murdered by an assailant who has never been identified or caught.
News of the Weird
MASS ORGY PREDICTABLY RESULTS IN MASS PREGNANCY
by Tawn Ortega
Readers of a prurient nature no doubt remember the vast orgy on Velok-3 that accompanied an unexpected meteor storm last year. Fully 100% of the human colony participated in the carnality, as immortalized in the bestselling holoporn Venereal Veneration on Velok-3 from Porno Prince Productions. Now, months later, it has been confirmed that 97.3% of the mature females on the moon are pregnant as a result, with the other 2.7% having been pregnant already at time of the orgy.
The colony, established in 2975, was naturally populated with sentients tested to be fertile and genetically compatible in order to ensure the growth of the population, currently numbered at 386 adults. Nevertheless, this stunning fertility rate has attracted the attention of the UP’s Department of Reproductive Biology, who is sending scientists to the small moon to conduct testing on the population and the fetuses, which are said to be in their third trimesters despite the short time since the incident in question. Some have speculated that the inhabitants of Velok-3 merely evolved the ability to reproduce more quickly, just as residents of Braal, for example, evolved magnetic powers to fight the metal beasts its colonists were threatened by.
Local vintner Myron P. Hornswaggle III was thrilled by the news of his wife Maisie’s pregnancy: “I always knew my little swimmers had a lot of pep to ‘em. At least I hope ‘twere mine that knocked Maisie up. I mean, that night was pretty wild, and I can’t rightly recall who else might have been in the pool, if you know what I mean. I mean, I took a dip in other pools, too. Little Sue, she done jumped me after she was through with Lester, Legless Pete, and 7-Fingered Kaveh. I guess we’ll see if any of them little babies have the traditional Hornswaggle third nipple.” When reached for comment, Hornswaggle’s wife, Maisie Lou Gurnpupple, just said: “Get this thing out of me! I’ve got work to do!”
Myron P. Hornswaggle III and Maisie Lou Gurnpupple, local vintner and xenogeologist respectively, are
expecting their first child, as are hundreds of other couples on Velok-3.
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