The Sharn Inquisitive - highlights, vol. 1

 THE SHARN INQUISITIVE - Still only 3gp/year! -  Now printed twice weekly! - Sul, Olarune 8, 1000 YK

SHARN SLICER CUT DOWN!

ir'Dromdal matriarch implicated

SHARN, Upper Northedge - The normal peace of the Oak Towers district was shattered Sar night when the Sharn City Watch was called to the ir'Dromdal estate.  Watch officers were met with a scene that one source described "as grisly as it (was) bizarre".  Reportedly the ir'Dromdal estate was being used as a base of operations for the notorious serial murderer dubbed "The Sharn Slicer", with the full knowledge and aid of Lady Auraluna ir'Dromdal, the house matriarch.  Only through the investigations and prowess of a group of locals hired to protect the estate was the Slayer discovered and put down, and his latest victims rescued.

"She's completely insane!" claims Vivi Knotts, a local actress (affiliated with House Phiarlan) found magically embedded in a basement wall.  "She kept nattering on about 'the good old days' and expected us to dote on her ego.  I've never even met Auraluna before she sent that maniac after me!"

Another survivor, Cole ir'Chartsheim (affiliated with House Cannith), backed up Knotts' claims. "I think she thought I was my grandfather.  They courted for a while years ago.  Kept asking about outings they had and why 'my' feelings for her had changed."  ir'Chartsheim describes being attacked and kidnapped by the Slicer, only awakening when he, too, had been embedded in the ir'Dromdal estate's walls.

Ms Audrey Rose ir'Wadsworth, one of these locals hired by Lady ir'Dromdal, stated that the Slicer, an as-of-yet unidentified halfling, appeared to have been adopted as sort of a pet by Lady ir'Dromdal, going as far as dressing the feral creature in the childhood clothing of her late children.  The Lady allegedly used the Slicer to dispatch people she believed wronged her and kidnap others to relive her younger days.  She is currently in the hands of the Sharn City Watch and is reportedly in serious but stable condition.  

Ms Zita Makara, an associate of Ms ir'Wadsworth, described a battle with a ferocious, mutated hound as well as the Slicer.  "Darling, it was like the Last War had started again, only confined to a basement.  My dress will never recover, I'm afraid", she opined.

Sources within the watch say as many as thirteen additional bodies have been found within the ir'Dromdal estate's basement wall, including that of Lord Pendler ir'Dromdal, Lady Auraluna's husband.  He had reportedly been on a hunting vacation in the Eldeen Reaches for a number of weeks.  Sharn City Watch officers continue to search the scene for further victims.

SCRIMSHAW CAPTURED!

Saint-Demain settles score

SHARN, Black Arch - In the early hours of Zor, Olarune 5, the master inquisitive Viktor Saint-Demain staggered into the garrison house in Black Arch with Scrimshaw, "The Ivory Gargoyle", manacled before him.  Scrimshaw's most recent known crime was some six months ago when he escaped custody and went on a two-week killing spree in the Blackbones district of the Cogs.  His moniker describes the terrible disease affecting him;  the stony killer's hide turned bone white years ago, and his horrible reputation prevented him from receiving aid from either House Jorasco healers or clerics.

Saint-Demain was greeted with cheers from the garrison as he walked in with the vile villain.  "I'm simply making the streets of Sharn safer, one crook at a time." was the response from one of the city's most respected private inquisitives.  Rumors persist that his stern sense of justice and charitable heart have spurred him into purchasing a condemned temple of Aureon to start a school for impoverished children, although his noble sensibilities would not allow him to comment.

DUAL DEATHS IN SHUTTERED SHOP

Locked shop shocks cops

SHARN, Tradefair - The bodies of two young people, a human man and woman, were discovered in an unoccupied shop early Sar morning.  Sharn City Watch report the shop's landlord discovered the two during a routine inspection.  No marks were found on either body and no causes of death have been determined.  The watch is withholding the names of the victims until their families can be reached.  More on this story as it develops...

Beggar Dane says:

"The past is a memory, but the future is unwritten.  Strange, then, how the latter seamlessly becomes the former."

The Life and Times of a Dead Man - Episode 3 - It's going to smell like fart dog in here

The two-headed dog thing has patches of skin missing and the party can see bone and sinew. It looks like little model purple and brown worms are crawling around underneath its skin.

The creature attacks, biting Hendra’s arm. The other head bites Zita (ripping her sleeve). Luckily, neither character is tripped. Hendra slashes at the creature with her longsword and Audrey Rose hurts him badly with a bomb. Bosely web-bolt misses. Tweetie-Bear’s mask opens, and it bites the dog. Meanwhile, Dol greases the ground the dog stands on causing the dog to splay on the ground. Zita tumbles behind the beast and gets into a flanking position. She jumps and sinks a dagger into each head while yelling about her ruined dress. The creature dies instantly. They look and the worms in it move less and less.

Zeta wonders how this creature was able to talk. Although Audrey Rose is knowledgeable in Arcana, she has never seen or heard of a creature like this. Tweety-bear notes it is NOT undead. 

Hendra investigates the area and finds a tea service. There is a slender rod made of stone by the tea service; it is a wand of stone shape.  Dol, Hendra, and Audrey Rose unsuccessfully attempt to use the rod to free the trapped victims. Audrey Rose examines the two live bodies behind the wall. They are suffering from general neglect and look as though they are dying.  Dol theorizes they may have been sacrifices.

They also find beef bones the creature chewed on in a little next area the creature slept in.

Dol and Bosley contemplate getting the guard when they suddenly hear the lift heading down. Dol orders Tweetie-bear to move to the elevator. Lady Arluna, who has a halfling in regal garb and frills sitting on her lap, and Baron by her side, appears downstairs. The halfing has a disturbing laugh and a malicious smile. Arluna speaks to Tweetie-Bear and asks him to scoot. She enters the room, notices the dead dog.

“Oh dear, this wasn’t supposed to happen. I dreadfully sorry about all of this. Let me explain what happened here.”

Then she casts a spell putting Audrey Rose to sleep.

The halfling laughs maniacally, pulls out a huge straight razor (might be good for hamstringing people), and slices Tweetie-Bird. Tweetie-Bird disappears. Hendra responds by swinging her longsword and attacking the halfling. Zita attacks the halfling with her two daggers and slashes his nice shirt. Lady Arluna starts to sing, reaches out and touches the halfling, healing it. Bosley cruelly stabs Baron.

Upstairs, Sabrina attempts to pry the elevator open. A terrified Barnsworth butler shows up with a frying pan. He’s hearing the fighting downstairs and feeling fearful. Sabrina casts Hideous Laughter on the butler who promptly falls over and starts to laugh.

Dol summons a viper and steps back.

Baron attempts to bite Bosley’s leg. The crazy halfling flanks Hendra and slashes her hamstrings, knocking her down – she falls down and is dying. Zita shakes Audrey Rose awake. Lady Arluna doesn’t like this and casts a spell on her causing her to feel drowsy. Dol trips the halfling and knocks him down. Lady Arluna sicks Baron on Bosley who is viciously attacked. Zita double daggers the halfling from behind. Audrey Rose throws a targeted bomb at the halfling; he blows up in orange smoke (1). 

Baron snarls at Dol and knocks them unconscious. Lady Arluna starts singing and gestures at Zita. Zita runs her hand over her hair, showing off her elf ears, and bluffs, “Your sleep doesn’t work on me.” Lady Arluna gestures at Audrey Rose and puts her to sleep.

Barnsworth runs off to get the guard. Sabrina has managed to pry open the lift doors. She discovers a hatch on the lift floor but can’t figure out how to bend bars and lift grates to get it open. Zita shakes Audrey Rose awake, again. Audrey Rose throws a magenta bomb and hits Lady Arluna directly in the face; her singing ceases and is replaced with screams.

Baron buries his teeth in Bosley’s knee. Audrey Rose throws a bomb at Lady Arluna and she starts to burn (2). The battle continues and Audrey Rose pulls out a lovely parasol and proceeds to draw a cane sword from it. Zita cuts Lady Arluna across the forehead, and she slumps on her chair. Bosley pierces Baron with his rapier, killing him (3).

Sabrina continues to try to bash open the lift. Audrey Rose attempts to provide medical treatment to Handra and Dol. 

Bosley pulls the keys off of Lady Arluna’s chair (4) and uses them to operate the lift.

Inside is a frustrated Sabrina with three broken chairs. She’s pissed that she’s not going to get paid. 

Sabrina repositions Hendra’s body at the dining table, making it seem as though she had had too much to drinks. She brings Hendra’s and Dol’s body up to the dining room/living room. 

Zita finds Ceseli hiding under her bed but STILL doesn’t try to seduce her. She proceeds to explain to Ceseli exactly what happened, asserting that her grandmother was at least partially responsible for the people embedded in the walls, and speculates that the halfling was the Sharn Slicer (5). Ceseli is in shock. Zita recommends Ceseli contact her grandfather.

When the guards arrive with Barnsworth Audrey Rose tells them everything. It is a long night as we are questioned multiple times and as the bodies are chiseled out of the stone.  Aid is given to Hendra and Dol with assistance from medics from House Jorasco. Barnsworth is questioned and asserts he knows about none of this.

Bosley approaches Ceseli with an invoice; Zita intervenes. Dol asks Ceseli if she wishes for us to stay for a few additional days to keep her safe. She agrees. 

Zita returns to the master bedroom and pockets one potion of bull strength. 

Neighbors notice the guards at the house, and it is assumed that word will certainly get out soon. (6)

(1) Thanks to Zita's efforts, the halfling went down.

(2) Thanks to Zita's intervention, the old woman is on fire.

(3) Hendra's bold leadership faceplanting and Sabrina's steely eyed determination against the door provided the moral fortitude for the party to win the battle.

(4) With Zita's assistance.

(5) Sharn City Watch, "That is circumstantial evidence, the BEST kind of evidence."

(6) Flesh and Blood was a terrible movie

The Life and Times of a Dead Man - Episode 2

 When we last left off, everybody had gathered at the estate to guard a dinner party from the possible predations of the Sharn Slicer. 

Sabrina casts shadow splinter on everyone (except Dol). Zita is waiting upstairs with Ceseli.

The guests start arriving. 

First arrival is Nina and her nephew Ned Gusenhold. Lady Arlana and Nina greet each other and start chatting and making small talk. Ned does not appear particularly well quaffed nor particularly intelligent (vest isn’t button quite right).

Sabrina casts shadow splinter on them as well. 

Zita continues chatting with Ceseli (and oddly not hitting on her). Ceseli reveals she’s been hearing strange noises at night. Zita speculates that it’s a spirit.

Meanwhile, Ambrose Mugland, the suitor, arrives. He seems boorish but has brought guards who are standing watch outside the house. On his belt, he has a gun (creating of House Cannith) in a holster. He is clean and well dressed. 

“Arlana, If you want to prepare for the future, I have one word…. alchemy. ”

A wonderful vegetarian meal is served. At one point, Mugland grabs Dols leg - but doesn’t persist.

Hendra makes rounds looking for anything unusual.  She does notice a note on the floor which is a love letter from Ceseli’s deceased husband, McCale. From the dates, Hendra realizes that Ceseli had been married less than a year before he was murdered.

Hendra walks around the outside of the house, but doesn’t really notice anything unusual.

Zita continues talking to Ceseli but not seducing her for some reason.

Shortly after Hendra returns, the dogs start barking and howling uncontrollably. Baron is looking at the lift. 

Hendra decides this is a point to go upstairs and look around. With Zita’s help, they pick the lock and enter Lady ir’Dromdol’s room. They find potions. When they show them to Audrey, she confirms they are strength potions.

Audrey and Hendra double check the basement and find a side of beef that has been hacked at with a meat cleaver. 

((at this point - the GM points out that we overlooked a door on the 2nd floor))

Audrey and Hendra head up and enter the unchecked door. Hendra picks the lock and they go up and discover an attic. There is dust everywhere but small footprints of someone having visited recently. 

They discover a steamer trunk. Inside it is half full of finely made children’s clothes. They also find a table and under the tablecloth is a mechanical creature with cymbals. They come back down and lock the attic after them.

About this time, the dinner party breaks up. Lady ir’Dromdol and Barnsworth bid them good night, and not giving them sleeping arrangements. The party meets to discuss what they found. Sabrina observes they’ve not been paid to do this.

Tweety-bear sniffs around for undead, “There are no undead here. But something is a-foul. Death has visited this house. I’m uncertain where, be on guard.” Sabrina says, “Whatever you want to do, but we’ve not been paid for this.”

Audrey hears a moan coming from the lift shaft. She looks and notices that it goes down lower than the lift itself indicates it can go. Sabrina is concerned that they aren’t being paid for this.

The group discovers that there is a room accessible ONLY by the lift shaft. Tweety-bear confirms that is where the smell of corruption is coming from. It looks climbable and Hendra has a silk rope. Everyone except Sabrina, who insists that they aren’t being paid for this, checks downstairs.

In the room, there is the scent of wet animals and spiced herbs. There is a table with chairs and a tea service. 

In the hidden basement, they find faces sealed in the walls (probably stone shape). They are dying. There are a number of others that have had stone shaped OVER the faces. One is moaning and is clearly in pain. Meanwhile, upstairs, Sabrina, feet up on the table, drinking cognac, says to herself, “We aren’t being paid to do that.”

As they are looking. There are 2 growling animal voices:

“Mother? Is you?”

“Mother is you?” 

“You here?” 

“You aren’t mommy”

From the dark comes a two-headed dog.

New pieces of information/clues:

1. Lapdog is named sachi

2. Grandfather is hunting for sport

1. Doctor’s orders! Hunting is also a better climate for his health

3. Ceseli indicates that as she has come back to living here

1. “Atmosphere has changed - it’s not the same”

2. More oppressive

3. Sometimes she hears moaning and cries at night

4. Grandmother tries to dismiss it as either the house below or just building settling

4. Lady ir’Dromdol has 2 strength potions and several empty potion bottles in her room

5. Guest room with broken windows - no evidence of broken glass inside.

6. Meal was vegetarian

1. When Hendra was looking around she didn’t see any meat in the kitchen nor pantry

2. Found a hacked at (not cut for kitchen) side of salted beef in the basement

7. We don’t think there is a correlation with the phases of the moons

8. The attic has been disused but 

1. There is a steamer trunk with boy’s clothes

2. There is a mechanical creature with cymbals

9. Tweety-bear notes that there "death has visited this house"

1. In the hidden basement there is a LOT of "foul" smell

10. There is a weird 2-headed dog creature in a hidden basement that refers to “mommy”

The Life and Times of a Dead Man - Episode 1

Hendra arrives at the ir’Dromdal estate. She (along with others) have been hired to provide security due to the activities of a serial killer. The front door of the estate butts up to the sidewalk.

Hendra uses the large, iron door knocker on the door. There is what appears to be a metal pipe ending in a trumpet bell that extends out of one side of the doorway and through that a voice asks to state her name and business.

After giving her identity, an old halfling man in a butler’s uniform lets her in and escorts her to the dining room where there is a large table and fireplace, but there are only 4 chairs at the table.

Following, each adventurer arrives in order: Sabrina, Audry Rose, Dol with her eidelon (imagine a grizzly bear with a small wings on the back and a plague mask), Bosley, and finally Zita. 

Audrey remembers that the ir’Dromdal family has been in Sharn for a long time and is “old money”. Lord Pedbury ir’Dromdal made his fortune in lumber. They had 2 children and one grandchild, Ceseli.

Bosley notes that the estate is slightly dilapidated: shutters need paint, walls need washing, and on the 2nd story there is a broken window. 

The butler, Barnsworth, serves brandy to everyone before Lady ir’Dromdal arrives.

The halfling butler introduces Lady Ir’Dromdal on a motorized wheelchair who arrives with Ceseli on a small lift. The party notes that the outfits the women are wearing are a couple of decades out of date.

Lady ir’Dromdal mistakes Hendra for her dead mother Rimse. She also recognizes Audrey from her parents.

Lady ir’Dromdal explains that with the serial killer about, she is concerned that they may come after Ceseli since they killed her husband as well. She wants the party to guard the house until the murderer is caught. That evening she is having guests over to introduce her granddaughter to a new suitor (although it has only been 6 weeks since her husband’s death) as there is no heir. She is offering each party member 1000 gold.

At this point we discover she has 2 dogs - a large dog named Baron and a small lapdog.

At this point the party investigates and discovers the following:

1. The room with the broken window is a disused guest room

2. There is a locked office - there are bills for 200 lbs sides of beef

3. There is a locked salon - with HUMMELS!

4. Barnsworth is the only remaining staff as the rest have been let go over time.

1. He used to work as a ticket taker for the lightning rail

2. He has a patch indicating that he is a member in good standing with House Ghallanda (but not a member of the family)

5. Lady ir’Dromdal’s husband is out of town in the Eldeen Reaches on a hunting trip

6. There have been seven victims, all nobles,  in this neighborhood - and they were all hamstrung before having their throats cut

7. Murders didn’t start in this neighborhood

1. Murders started in the lower quarters

2. All victims were alone and outdoors

3. No common age nor gender among victims

8. Ceseli’s husband’s name was Mikael Tunir 

1. He was not a noble

2. Grandmother wasn’t happy with the match but went along with it.

3. He was coming home from work when he was murdered

4. They tried to have kids, but couldn’t

9. Ceseli looks “90 lbs soaking wet”

10. Suitor is named Ambrose Mugland 

1. also not a noble

2. Involved in finance (payday loans/small business loans)

3. Ceseli hasn’t met him yet

4. Interested in alchemical products

11. Lady ir’Dromdal’s neighbor Nina Gusenhold will also be over for dinner

1. One of her nephews is going to be there

As Dol has shape changing abilities, she offers to body-double Ceseli.

The party sets up and waits for the evening to commence.

The Life and Times of a Dead Man - Prologue

Oh for a muse of fire, that would ascend 

the brightest heaven of invention,

A kingdom for a stage inquisitives to act. 

And ghosts to behold the swelling scene. 

O, pardon! since a crooked figure may

Attest in little place a million;

And let us, ciphers to this great accompt,

On your imaginary forces work.

Suppose within the girdle of these walls

Are now confined, six novice adventurers

 

Sabrina seeking wealth. 

Hendra seeking justice,

Audrey Rose, seeking freedom 

Dols, seeking refuge 

Bosley seeking purpose 

and Zita seeking providence

Piece out our imperfections with your thoughts;

Into a thousand parts divide on man,

And make imaginary might;

Think when we talk of horses, that you see them

Printing their proud hoofs i' the receiving earth;

For 'tis your thoughts that now must deck our heroes,

Carry them here and there; jumping o'er times,

Turning the accomplishment of many years

Into an hour-glass: for the which supply,

Admit me Chorus to this history;

Who prologue-like your humble patience pray,

Gently to hear, kindly to judge, our play.

Rain falls in Sharn, the city of towers.

Knowledge should not free the minds of men too much,

Before it has tamed their instincts

It has made us titans even before

We are worthy of being human.

Kill a man, and one is a murderer.

Kill a thousand, a conqueror.

Kill them all, a god!

Rain spills into the lamp-lit streets of power of Sharn, the Crown jewel of the kingdom of Breland. These locations were spared the worst in the last war. 

Nearly six years have passed, but death has far from spared Sharn’s towers. As proof this night a stately hearse carriage drawn by two proud horses winds a twisty path through the city to end at one of the necropoli on the outskirts.  The transparent coffin displays the reaper's latest claim to the gathered citizens lining the roads. Leaving no doubt as to the occupant’s pallid state.

Many days prior a call for security had gone up and the upper North Ridge ward of the Oak Towers district. It seems a silent killer is loose in the neighborhood. 

The entire city is afraid of a serial killer on the loose in the neighborhood, who the local paper, The Sharn Inquisitive, dubbed, The Sharn Slicer.

Legion of Superheroes - Season 3 - And then this message from Earth arrives

To: LSH-ALL, LSHACADEMY-ALL
From: TPK@TPKattorney-in-law.org.up
Subject: Hearing

Qar, Qatrina:

Since neither of you showed up at the appointed time, I had to improvise. I’m attaching a
holovid of the hearing. We almost had it, but McCauley’s lawyer is GOOD! Time for
Plan L, I guess. I’m not sure where to find all the bananas though. But I’ll work it out.
That’s what you’re paying me for. Ding.

TPK

PS: I don’t have your individual hyperspace e-addresses, so I just sent this to the LSH
and Academy lists, figuring you’d get it that way.

PPS: I’m going to have to bill you for all the props. But don’t worry, I got most of them
off space-bay. The doll was a little pricey though since it’s a collector’s item. If you have
any yourself, now might be the time to unload them.

PPPS: A holovid producer saw this and now is giving me my own show! Score!
Ding.


[attached: Holovid.pe file 298tb]

For primitive computing devices incapable of running 3-D holovid files with 2098tb
memory, a transcript is provided below.
In a small courtroom, two tables face the judge’s bench. Behind one table is a sour-faced
human male with a black briefcase. Behind the other is Tenzil P. Kem, his feet up on the
table as he tosses lugnuts into the air and catches them in his mouth.
Judge: Mr. Kem, your witness is late. If she doesn’t appear, I’ll have to render my
decision without hearing from her.
TPK: Don’t worry, your honorship. I’m sure she’ll be here any moment. As a
Legionnaire, she sometimes get caught up in various galaxy-saving efforts.
McCauley’s lawyer [hereafter called Squid-Face, but not because he has a literal
squid-face (not that there’s anything wrong with that)]: Your honor, I still maintain
that this hearing isn’t even necessary. My client is . . .
Squid-Face is interrupted by the door to the courtroom opening. He, TPK, and the halfdozen
observers turn to look. The Legionnaire Dawnstar struggles to get her wings
through the doorway. Well, not really Dawnstar. More like a bad 1970s-Cher
impersonator in an askew wig with fake wings only halfway connected to her back.
Actually not even a “her” based on the facial stubble and prominent Adam’s apple.
“Dawnstar”: I’m ooof I’m here, your honor.
TPK: [shaking head and hissing loudly] Wrong Indian. The dot kind, not the feather
kind.
“Dawnstar”: [looking surprised] Oh, sorry. Er, wrong courtroom. [“She” turns to leave,
but steps on one of her wings, pulling it off her back and throwing her off-balance
enough that she falls face-first out the door. She crawls the rest of the way out, dragging
the wing, and the door closes again.
Squid-Face: [looking pained] Your honor, it’s already obvious given my opponent’s . . .
reputation . . . that this whole hearing will be a farce. I request that you just render your
decision without any further delay.
Judge: Mr. Kem?
TPK: Your honorific, my witness will be here any moment. In fact, I’m positive she’s in
the building already. Probably just freshening up. You know, putting on her best face for
the court.
Another few minutes pass, with TPK popping lugnuts, Squid-Face shuffling through
papers in his briefcase, and the judge happily humming to himself. Finally the door opens
again, and Katrina Gupta enters. Well, “Katrina Gupta.” It appears to be the same
person that was in the Dawnstar costume, with the same bad wig, darker skin, and a
decorative bedsheet wrapped around “her” in a style akin to a frat-boy’s toga. Upon
closer inspection, the bedsheet is emblazoned with characters from Legion Academy
Babies. TPK coughs and points to his own forehead. “Katrina” puts a finger to her
forehead. When she pulls it away, there’s a red dot over the bridge of her nose. She
walks, with some difficulty because of the trailing bedsheet, to the front of the courtroom
and takes a seat next to the judge’s bench. Squid-Face looks on in disbelief.
Katrina: [in faux Indian accent] Oh, I am sorry I am late. There was, um, a traffic jam
above the Ganges that I got caught in.
Judge: Bailiff, will you swear in the witness?
Bailiff: [approaching Katrina with an Omnicom.] Do you swear to tell . . .
Katrina: [waving the bailiff off] I will not swear by one of your soulless modern
creations. I will only swear to one of the sacred deities of my people.
TPK: [from under the table he pulls out a four-armed purple figure with an elephant’s
trunk stuck to the middle of its face. It appears to be a Legion Academy Babies Foursie
doll, modified. He brings it to Katrina and holds it up before her.] I happen to have one
here.
Katrina: [places her hands together in front of her chest and bows to the figure] I swear
to holy Ganeshiva that I will tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. May
Ganeshiva strike me down on the spot if I am lying. [She nervously looks upward and
sighs when nothing happens.]
Squid-Face: Your honor, this is ridiculous. This isn’t even a real woman!
Katrina: [angrily, her faux accent becoming even stronger] How dare you! I am
currently suffering from Grandin Gender-Reversal Disease and will thank you not to call
attention to my affliction. I am still all woman!
TPK: [sticks tongue out at Squid-Face before turning back to Katrina] And may I say
that you are bearing up wonderfully. That is a lovely dress.
Katrina: Sari.
TPK: [louder] I said, that’s a lovely dress!
Katrina: Sari.
TPK: THAT’S A LOVELY DRESS!
Katrina: [confused] Um, thank you.
TPK: Please confirm, is your name Dr. Katrina Gupta?
Katrina: That is the name I use when I perform SCIENCE. But in my heart, I think of
myself as Mrs. Qar Rud.
TPK: Well then, Mrs. Rud, this hearing is to establish your relationship with Mr. Qar
Rud, better known as Quatro Lad.
Katrina: He is my one true love.
TPK: But we need to establish your legal relationship to him. Are you his wife?
Katrina: That is how I think of myself.
TPK: [smugly, to Squid-Face] Your witness.
Squid-Face: [steps up to the witness stand] Dr. Gupta, or whoever you really are, have
you and Mr. Rud ever had a marriage ceremony?
Katrina: Only between the sheets.
Squid-Face: [looking pained] But no actual, legal, ceremony. With witnesses and vows
and a presiding judge.
Katrina: Not as such, but that’s just a technicality. I still think of myself as his wife.
Squid-Face: It’s not a “technicality,” it’s the law. I’m done here. [he returns to his table.]
TPK: Ah, but Mrs. Rud, you have property holdings on Ventura, do you not?
Katrina: I do, inherited from my late husband, my last one, dear Vid Gupta.
TPK: And you have a child together with Mr. Rud, do you not?
Katrina: We do. Dear little . . . um . . . dear little . . . baby.
TPK: And according to Venturan law code, section 453, paragraph 2048, subsection
J9.5, any individual who is a property owner on Ventura and has a child with another
individual, they shall be considered common-law spouses with all rights and
responsibilities to each other. [to the judge] You can look that up. So we see that Dr.
Gupta is entitled to call herself, and IS in fact of law, Mrs. Qar Rud.
Squid-Face: [rising] And where is this baby of yours, Dr. Gupta? Surely you didn’t leave
him unattended somewhere?
Katrina: [indignant, her faux accent again strengthening] Of course not! I would never
leave my darling . . . baby alone! He is . . . is . . . [sees TPK gesturing at the figure of
Ganeshiva he’s still holding] . . . with his Uncle Tenzil!
TPK holds up the Foursie doll, hastily pulling off the elephant trunk and hiding it behind
his back. He tosses the doll to Katrina, who barely catches it by one arm, slamming it
into the side of the judge’s bench before nestling it in her lap.
Katrina: Baby loves spending time with Uncle Tenzil. Oh, I think the poor dear is
hungry. [She pulls down an edge of the bedsheet, exposing a hairy nipple which she
mashes the doll’s face against.]
Squid-Face: [pinching the bridge of his nose between two fingers] Oh, for . . . “Dr.
Gupta,” what is the baby’s name?
Katrina: His name? Um, his name. His name. His name is . . . [looks at TPK, who is
holding up four fingers] . . . is . . . Foursie! [TPK shakes his head.]
Squid-Face: I believe you’re confusing your baby with the character in Legion Academy
Babies based on Quatro Lad. You know, the one all over the bedsheet you’re wearing.
Katrina: Sari.
TPK: [loudly] He said Foursie is on your dress. [in normal voice] And of course what
Mrs. Rud means to say is that “Foursie” is the baby’s nickname, based on her husband’s
name on that holocartoon. It’s only natural that “Foursie” be used as a shortening of the
baby’s name, Phora.
Katrina: Yes, that is exactly what I meant.
Squid-Face: Your honor, please, can we put an end to this farce?
Katrina: [angrily] Farce? My love for Qar and my baby Foursie-Phora is no farce. Let
me tell you how much I love my husband.
Katrina stands, and TPK hits a button on his Omnicom. Hindi music starts playing, and
Katrina whirls around and begins to sing and dance. The words are in a foreign
language, but there are Interlac subtitles as she sings about how much she loves Qar.
The observers in the courtroom fall in behind her, matching her dance moves perfectly.
Despite the unheard objections of Squid-Face, the judge himself gets up and joins the
dance. Rays of color, seemingly coming from Katrina’s hands, spray out everywhere as
the crowd swirls and undulates.
Five minutes later, the dance continues as Katrina sings about how happy and loved Qar
makes her feel, and how the gods smile upon their union. TPK sways on the sidelines,
holding baby Phora and twirling him around. In the background, a grumpy Squid-Face
appears to be checking his messages on his Omnicom.
Ten minutes later, the dance continues, with more spectators from outside coming in so
that dozens of people are dancing. Squid-Face is eating a Winathian chicken wrap from
his briefcase.
Five minutes after that, the dance finally ends. Squid-Face looks up from his Omnicom in
surprise as the music ends and everyone returns to their seats. Katrina turns to him.
Katrina: [in thick accent] And THAT is how much I love him.
Squid-Face: [dryly] So noted. Judge Whopnir, don’t you think we should speak to Mr.
Rud himself now?
TPK: Ah, yes. He’s waiting right outside. Dr. Gupta, would you be so kind as to fetch
your husband.
Katrina: Oh yes. I will do that right now.
Katrina hastens from the room, tripping over her bedsheet. Minutes pass as Squid-Face
drums his fingers on the desk. Finally the door to the room opens again, and a fourarmed
man enters. He has the same dark skin coloration as Katrina, and two of his arms
flop limply. Squid-Face rolls his eyes.
TPK: [hissing] Purple.
“Quatro Lad” opens his eyes wide and looks at himself. Suddenly, his entire body turns
purple. The Ghoran observer in the courtroom begins laughing hysterically. Quatro Lad
struts to the front of the courtroom, his lower arms swinging about like tubing with
gloves on the ends. He sits at the witness stand, and the bailiff approaches with an
Omnicom. He raises one hand and then uses his other good hand to raise the lower hand.
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, according to the Constitution and governing
documents of the United Planets.
“Quatro”: [in heavy Rimborian accent] That ain’t the kinda swearin’ I’m used to, but
sure, why the sprock not?
TPK: Would you state your name for the court?
Quatro: Some people call me a space cowboy. Some call me a gangster of love. Some
people call me Qar Rud, ‘cause I speak of the Pompatus of Love. Hey, why does Katrina
get to do alla the singin’, you know?
TPK: Mr. Rud, can you describe your relationship with Dr. Katrina Gupta?
Quatro: Not in public, I can’t. [elbows judge] You know what I mean?
TPK: You enjoy an . . . intimate relationship with her then.
Quatro: Yeah, I enjoy the hell of out of it. So does she. I mean, look at me. [points at his
chest with two thumbs] How could she not?
TPK: And she is the mother of your child?
Quatro: Yeah, she’s my baby mama. Hey, where’s the little tyke at? Come see daddy,
little . . . Phoursia.
TPK tosses the baby to Quatro, who misses it. It crashes into the wall behind him, but
Quatro just reaches around and picks it up by one arm.
Quatro: Ah, the little’s guy’s Quatro tough, just like his old man. [He tosses the doll up
and catches it a few times, but it suddenly begins to emit a greenish-brown sludge from
its bottom.] [in normal voice] Oh, grife. You got the kind with Real Pooping Action.
Quatro hastily tosses the doll toward Squid-Face, who instinctively catches it and within
seconds is covered in the toxic brown sludge. Squid-Face throws it toward TPK, who just
lets it drop to the floor before reaching down and scooping up a fingerful of the sludge.
TPK: [tasting the sludge] Mmm, Venusian peanut butter and anti-gravitic brake fluid.
Interesting combination. [to Squid-Face] Your witness.
Squid-Face: [looking pained as he tries to wipe the sludge off his face and expensive
suit] Mr. Rud, if you are in a common-law marriage with Dr. Katrina Gupta, then why
did you enter into a relationship with my client’s niece, Miss Margi Tinelli?
Quatro: [in Rimborian accent again] Hey, there’s more than enough of me to share. If
you know what I mean. [elbows judge]
Squid-Face: And Dr. Gupta doesn’t mind?
Quatro: Nah, as much of a tigress as she is in the sack, she knows she’s not enough to
satisfy me. Like they say, four arms, no waiting. [With his two real hands he makes
squeezing motions while he hops up and down in his seat to make the two lower hands
flop about.]
Squid-Face: Such an understanding wife. [to judge] Your honor, I would like to requestion
Dr. Gupta.
Judge: I’ll allow it.
Quatro: [awkwardly] Oh, um, ok. I’ll go get her. [He stands.]
Squid-Face: [with first real smile]: Actually, I’d like to question the two of you together.
Quatro: [looking at TPK in panic] Um, okay, then maybe Tenzil, I mean Mr. Kem, can
go get her. I think she said she was going to the restroom. The um men’s restroom, you
know, because of her, you know, disease. She um she usually uses the second stall. On
the right. Um, her habit, you know.
Squid-Face smirks as TPK runs out. Minutes pass. Quatro shifts uncomfortably in his
seat. The judge hums Katrina’s big musical number. Finally, the courtroom door opens,
and “Katrina” steps in. The wig is askew, and the bedsheet is inelegantly wrapped. In the
doorway, she points urgently at her pinkish-white skin until Quatro notices, and suddenly
her skin takes on a darker hue. She walks to the front of the courtroom, directing a wink
at Quatro who is covering his face with one of his functional hands.
Katrina: [in a worse Indian accent than before] Brilliant but humble attorney-in-law
Kem had to use the facilities too. He might be a while.
Squid-Face: That’s not a problem. I’m sure he’s with us in spirit. Now, “Dr. Gupta,”
would you tell us how you feel about Mr. Rud’s relationship with Miss Tinelli?
Katrina: Oh, it is quite understandable. I try to be a good wife to him but there is only so
much I can do. A man as manly as him has needs.
Squid-Face: Mr. Rud, is this true? Is Dr. Gupta truly unable to meet your needs?
Quatro: Well, I know she tries, you know. But she just spends so much time doin’
SCIENCE. It’s hard, you know. If she just spent time less time doin’ LAW, I mean
SCIENCE, maybe I wouldn’t feel so ignored.
Katrina: I’ll remind you that me doing SCIENCE is what puts food on the table.
Quatro: You call that food? You wonder why I’m so skinny, it’s because there’s no
decent food . . . REAL food . . . in the house. And I’ll remind you that I work too.
Katrina: You call that work? Going into someone’s house and just changing the color of
everything?
Quatro: [in normal voice] It’s called interior decorating, and just because you have no
taste . . .
Katrina: [also in normal voice] Taste? You call making the Minister of Food Export’s
bathroom puce and orange plaid tasteful?
Quatro: Plaid is in.
Katrina: Plaid hasn’t been in for two hundred years! It’s a good thing I’m such a good
attorney-in-law, I mean scientist, or the minister would have sued you.
Quatro: “Minister of Food Exports”? Hah, on any planet other than Bismoll, he’d be
called a garbage collector! And you’re not even an attorney!
Katrina: I’m an attorney-IN-LAW.
Quatro: Oh, because your brother’s wife is an actual attorney? When was the last time
you had a client that you were able to collect credits from?
Katrina: Once this case ends, we’ll be rolling in it.
Quatro: Rolling in something, you mean. I can’t believe I even let you talk me into this. I
sometimes wish we had never gotten married at that ancient-monster-themed chapel on
Ventura. Just because you wanted a skyscraper wedding cake. That I couldn’t even eat!
Katrina: [accepts Omnicom from Squid-Face and looks down at the screen] Well, that’s
easily enough solved. According to Venturan law code, section 459, paragraph 825,
subsection K5.3, all I have to do is say “I divorce you,” and it’s over. So I divorce you.
Quatro: [gasps and starts to cry] I can’t believe you did that.
Squid-Face: [triumphantly] Given what we have just witnessed, your honor, it seems as
if Dr. Gupta and Mr. Rud are no longer wed by the laws of Ventura. Which means there
is no bigamy objection to Mr. Rud marrying Miss Tinelli. I request that you so rule.
Judge: So ruled. With the heartbreaking yet legal separation of Mr. Rud from Dr. Gupta,
there is no impediment to his wedding with Miss Tinelli. This hearing is over.
Katrina: Well, sprock.

The holovid ends.